I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
