I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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