John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
