so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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