An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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