We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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