This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
