Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
