Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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