He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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