Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
