My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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