I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
