nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
