I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
