I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
