i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
