No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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