i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
