Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
