I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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