your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
