Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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