hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
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