yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
