Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
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Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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