it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
