babies were throwing up all over the place
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
