drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
