TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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