You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
