I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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