Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
