I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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