worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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