You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
