God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
