I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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