Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
