i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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