1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
