I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
