it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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