My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
