My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
