you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
