Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
