Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
