Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
