shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
