he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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