im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
