I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize