i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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