man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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