Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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