A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
